Surgical Solutions to ‘Smotherhood’

STUCK ON YOU: SURGICAL SOLUTIONS TO ‘SMOTHERHOOD’

I’m sewing myself to my 16-year-old.

Nothing too noticeable – just a few small stitches joining our upper arms. Crazy glue could work too.

Sarah’s friends will say, “who’s the weird woman beside you?” “Looks a bit like your mother.”  “Ya,” she’ll answer with a shrug of her shoulders, “she’s learning to let go.” “It’s a mid-life thing.”

Serious sobbing left me dehydrated before daughter Leanne’s departure. If Sarah flies the coop, I’m right there with her, shriveled umbilical cord and all.

After thirty years of ‘me’ time, who knew I’d take to nurturing like jellyfish to a bare leg? My goals were simple; to raise responsible, self-sufficient beings capable of self-actualizing through therapy.

I had nothing to worry about. With several suitcases of ‘shtick’ to pass on to progeny, two psychotherapists could be gainfully employed for at least five years.

Now that our menstrual cycles are finally synced, am I destined to pedal alone down the precarious path to menopause?

Myriads of materials prepare us for motherhood. You know the classics What to Expect When You Are Expecting, Caring for Your Baby and Child, and Child of Mine. Not that I always went by the book. I’ll admit to a few foibles, like mooning my kids to stop them from crying or donning a disguise to trail Leanne, downtown with friends after hours. And my partner isn’t perfect either, unless discussion of male anatomical parts at dinner is proper eating etiquette.

My parental performance criteria are simple – no teenage pregnancies, no heavy drug use and no major abuse of alcohol. So far things are looking good, but we’re not out of the woods yet.

I’m waiting for another mother to write the quintessential book on letting go. Or, develop a full body simulation of the experience.

This would involve mock amputation or extraction, anguished cries and a ten-year healing process.

Successful separation means relinquishing the illusion of total control, the right to ask irritating questions and access to all insider information.

To minimize pain, suffering and recovery time, I’m going to try a few things others are already doing:

• Purchase a Pet. Pick a pet. The options are endless. Will you go for a good-natured golden retriever or a perky Pekingese? Initiated into dog ownership, you’ll spend hours grooming and walking alongside other dog-devotees.

•   Mother Others. Peruse public transit for adults seeking a shoulder to cry on. Armed with a box of Kleenex and some sympathy, you can nurture away the days.

• Find younger friends. Forge new friendships with younger others for an infusion of energy and a boost in confidence.

• Foray into farming. Past your child-bearing prime? Baby goats, calves and chicks will keep you in shape for grandkids. Or, grow an organic vegetable garden. Tending to tiny tomato and lettuce plants will serve as a distraction.

I’m still hanging on to my youngest daughter as long as I can. We’ll be great buds – watching Dexter and 90210 downstairs on Netflix and downing popcorn.